My usual, please. One tall dark cup of Rainforest Organic and a smile from the cute middle aged owner, thanks. Hack into the neighboring business' internet (because cute owner-man doesn't have wireless). Then blog, then hit the books for hours and hours at our local library. There it is. Day in the life of this crocodile. It's glorious, really.



At this rate, I could be a Naturopathic Doctor in a year. hahahah. No but seriously kids, this is the life. I get uber amounts of time with my daughter, too. School is out at 2:30 in these parts. And Im the shepherd-dog from Tuesday through Thursday, and all other days she is delivered to me on a platter. I couldn't have scripted this better.



It is in my nature to really soak it up, too. I realize that there will be a point in time that a revised version of this reality will sink in. I will have to have a job, and my studies will be done. Someone else will be picking up my daughter. But the key is this: I won't be doing all of that for something I don't totally dig. People should really just do what they want, you know. Its so much more happiness inspiring.



There is this general theme of life that I carry. A phrase was coined by my sister. She called it being "bushed". Its funny, because neither my sister nor I have spoken with my mother about the term before, and randomly the other day, Mom strikes up with the whole 'Bushed' conversation...she was speaking of someone who fits that description. I just remember being shocked that my mom just came up with that out of the blue.



Bushed. Let's talk about that. A girlfriend of mine whom i live with, she just gets it. Better than anyone else that I have explained it to. So please try, dear reader, to not get too heady about it. Its very simple. Bushed is a way of living, thinking, being. Bushed is a mentality about life and about one's position in their life. For example, I am bushed. No, its not the dreads, but that's a fairly good example of a "bushed expression". No, its not the amber I wear. Its more an attitude. I find great happiness in camping with a bunch of freely expressive friends. I like being out in Lavington, Lumby, Cherryville, East Van, because of the peaceful harmonius lack of disturbance (to a lesser degree I have included East Van, because bushed people run abundantly there). I would sit on a beach for hours without my cell phone, happily. I dive into the where's and why's of food). Music seems to always be invading my brain at any second, and its usually folk music. I fucking hate malls. Family and ease is at the forefront of my agenda. Id rather sleep under the stars on dirty old mexican beaches than explore the Palace of Versailles (dont get me wrong; I like the Palace of Versailles. But when the option of outdoor life adventure is just as accessible as an organized event-type vacation, I choose adventure).



My friend mistakenly thought that it was something I was discussing in a slightly elitist fashion, and that I was alluding to the thought that it was a bad thing to NOT be bushed. That's just not the case. I use the term, because automatically I relate to those who are bushed easier than those who are not. But that does NOT count out my ability to connect with anyone who wants to be connected with, no matter their propensity. I guess being bushed is a sort of freedom and openness that people who are not bushed, carry. Again, not bad. Its just a different type of "vibe". Its a feeling I get about someone the moment I meet them. I think its just different types of connections with different types of people, and the potential for depth and openness with them. argh, now, see, I can see how that could be something derogatory. But I assure you, it isnt. bah!



Sometimes the most amazing connections form from a bushed person and a non-bushed person. In fact, most of the strong people in my life are either paired with a bushed person, or dont realize that it might just be a shift out of their comfort zone that could do the trick in the happiness department for them.



I am bushed. My sister is bushed. So is her kid. But mine is not bushed. And I think that we really have a strong relationship because of that fact. She is someone that I have to work a little harder to understand, but her beauty is undeniable, and I would work myself to the bone for our relationship. But Im a "work to the bone" kinda girl. Hard work doesn't scare me in the least. I prefer it.



I had this thought in my head, drivin to the coffee shop this morning, that my blog today would be about being bushed. And I had all of these marvelous succinct thoughts pertaining to how I would outline the topic in this blog. Alas, I have reread it, and it is an epic failure. But I believe in putting my first initial thoughts out there, because to revise this would be me tailoring it, and trying to sound smarter than I am. Maybe thats the "hard worker" in me, coming out.



oo oo oooo ! I just thought of something. Does anyone in Vernon own a hooka? Because I really want to get one to take out to Komasket next year. I have a girlfriend in Vancouver that has one, but if she can't come this year, I want to have one. It's one of my favourite things to do, but I only get the chance maybe twice a year. Lemme know.



VedaSatya

It’s likely that things will take a while to develop here, for me. I see the road that I want to go down, and see the importance of having patience while things start to take form. But waiting is hard. That is why it is incorporated as part of the yogic path: as the Niyama Santosha. Contentedness. Being okay with what IS and not feeling the need to make it anything that it is not. And the Niyama Tapas also applies. Self-discipline. Know enough about yourself to be able to regulate your indulgent tendencies.



It’s a hard path, and the path of yoga is similar to the path of a Christian lifestyle. And although I myself do not necessarily follow the Christian religion, I most definitely believe in the fundamental truth that we are all on a form of personal spiritual journey, and along the way, we come in contact with many walks of life, each beaming their own brand of love and respect. And along the journey, we have the choice as to how we receive or reject these people. What is it that we consider to be honest assistance to other people? What is our policy on lying, both to others and to ourselves? Do we really know what it means to be truly patient? Do we have a personal moral system governing the choices that we are making day to day? Can we be open and honest with ourselves enough to not only own the truth that there is a greater energy in the Universe that exists and can help guide us, but can we surrender ourselves to the idea that we are not the only force that is guiding us in our life? Are our thoughts, intentions, and actions from a place in us of genuine purity and honest desire to give without receipt? Is our daily focus to learn more about ourselves and the way that we interact with our environment, and how our actions are not only borne witness to by everyone around us, but by our innermost being?



There are times when I struggle with my decision to lead a life of goodness and love. It is hard for me to watch the choices that other people make everyday, and to have even a flashing insight into why they could perhaps choose what they do. It is my personal struggle with Bramacharya – refining my energy in relation to other people so that I can become more in tune with others’ energies. It is a very important part of my choice to be a good human being. My personal Bramacharyan struggle has been that of judgment. I would definitely claim that I actively try to never be judgmental, and to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I feel happiness from it, and I intuit that the person opposite me likely does, as well. It has integrated as a part of my empathetic nature, and has come to be something I always appreciate in other people.



I find that there are a lot of similarities in the principles behind both a personal yogic journey and a Christian lifestyle. And I am thankful for my embrace of the two. There are, in fact, many religious practices that I closely identify with. Not just Christianity. I definitely like to think that a devout “Deity” follower would not consider my value system any less valuable than theirs, just because I choose not to label my faith in the Universe and all of its inhabitants as a “God” related thing. Energy is energy. It can neither be created nor destroyed. It can only be changed. I apply that truth to faith. What matters is that my faith exists. Faith in me, in you, in all that exists. And I see it as redundant to place judgment on my choice of the fashion of my belief. Judgment is the least devout action we can display.

I always have hope for everyone I meet. I recognize that I have choice when it comes to people that I choose to hold near to me, those that I let integrate into the massive complex being that is Me. I am thankful for everyone that I have in my circle, and I feel myself weaving together the strings of my life. My move to Vernon was a conscious decision to solidify my choice to my daughter. No matter the person that she is to become, I want her to witness my choice to be an active participant in her life, constantly choosing things to bring us more together, instead of things to force her to a position of discomfort when choosing things in her life. She is a magical person, my daughter. I am constantly impressed by her understanding and knowledge beyond her years, yet I can be brought to tears instantly by revering her childlike innocence and pure thoughts. It is my hope for her that she never loses that childlike enthusiasm. I will always offer her the choice of incorporating that innocence and purity in every action she performs. There is no reason why she will ever have to feel she must stifle who she is, to be close with me.



I hope these words reach you, reader, as much as they extend and retract from me. I think them daily. I feel them daily. My hope for the world is that we all have words of our own, just like these, to guide us every day. I know that I am not a pillar of exemplary behaviour. I am flawed. But I consider those flaws to be my human virtues. They challenge me to be the best possible me that I can be. And I would not progress if I could not forgive my shortcomings.



Im ending this note with a Sanskrit mantra, a chant that has come to mean a great deal to me. It is always running through my head, I sing it day in and day out, without every tiring of it. It is the Gayatri Mantra.



Om bhuru bhuvah svaha

tat savitur varenyam

bhargo devasya dhimahi

dhiyo yonah prachodyat



Through the coming, going and the balance of life, the essential nature which illumes existence is the adorable one...may all beings perceive through subtle intellect the brilliance of enlightenment"



Om Tat Sat



-VedaSatya

I'm feeling a similar throwback to four years ago, back before I met Daren, back before I met anyone who would influence me so deeply as people that I have met in this last four years have.



Its my ability to want to change that has changed. Before, I wasnt aware that I wanted to change anything about myself. I was this blissfully unaware Libertarian, spending her days thinking about someone half a world away, writing letters and poetry, and just yakking about who we were, whilst costing ourselves an arm and a leg to do so. Wow. I was that girl, so long ago. And although that boy (man) is living halfway across the world, now married, with a baby, his spirit challenged me. And I let it come out in parts of me. I was so thankful, and still am, to have had the opportunity to know that guy at that time of my life. It was rich. I wrote a lot, drank red wine, ritualized everything I did (something that I totally adore), learned my love of home cooking, organics, subsistence, my current hippie lifestyle, I loved living in the country, I loved my Cowichan Sweater, I loved gardens, and I completely loved the little grove that my then two and a half year old daughter and I had worked into. I loved going to be early, I loved feeling family in every moment of every day.



The blip in my life was Vancouver. Although that is where a large amount of development happened, it halted something as well... the connection to the environment that I am to be bonded to for life, in raising my daughter. Please dont mistake: I loved, and still love, Vanocuver. Commercial Drive sunk its hooks into me so deep I dont ever want them out. I love that special little place in my heart that Commercial Drive resides in. The rest of Vancouver I could give or take. Commercial Drive now holds my sister and my neice, true pieces of my heart. Its hard not to cry when i think about them there. In fact, I actually can't think of Vancouver now without crying. Im crying because I miss my sister and Bailey. I just want them with me in all that I do. That time will come, I am sure. Jen and I are cut from the same mould...



Im now in an amazing little suite in my best girlfriends house. We are in Bella Vista, right below the vineyard, next to the large Davison Orchard, with a stunning 180 degree view of the valley, which stares down Okanagan Lake... a view that people in Vancouver would pay over a million for. And here, me, I get it for the bargain price of $500 a month. My daughter has a built in playmate, her best friend Jaryn. And I get to daily bear witness to the extraordinary life and love of my best friend Allison and her amazingly loving and devoted husband Steve. He really has the type of strength of character that I admire in a man. He is a fine balance, that Steve. And I love being involved with their family. They share a baby, Layla. She is truly an impeccably behaved child. I love the four of them dearly, and count myself as blessed to have the option of being here with them.



I walk down my old familiar streets, listening to my favourite music, Elliott Smith, Iron and Wine, Sean Hayes, many others, and I see so many people that I have known. Sure we have grown up...but underneath, we are still the same people in the same skin. We have families now, we have careers, we have settled. Well, most have settled.



I ran into someone today that unexpectedly engaged me in conversation, substantially older than I, and still wise beyond his years. He reminded me that every choice I make at every point in time is okay, and that we are all just a product of consequence based on choice. He didnt say those words, he didnt need to. I took from him what I wanted to see, what I wanted to hear. Everytime I engage with him, I am always reminded more and more of who I am and what I want. I am reminded that there are people out there who are ridiculously like myself, and are at various stages of their lives. I love that about conversing with him. Phil. He lights a fire in me that few have successfully lit, or maintained. Thanks for being one of me.



I think a lot about great huge thoughts, I am going constantly in my mind, and then there are times that the superficial things cross my mind. In Vancouver, people are a dime a dozen. I have honestly never had a problem meeting someone that I want to know, or have a relationship with. It just seemed kismet. And I cant shake that feeling. Even here, where I am a small population of my ilk. Actually, the reality is that I am NOT indeed a small population of my ilk, rather that I am the upper age of that particular ilk. I am right on the cusp, right now. And I plan to use that to my advantage. Im going to branch out and network, grow my heart so big with people that it swells and swoons daily, and out of that, my path will unfold. It will unfold because I will see one foot heading in front of the other, and know it is right for me.



I am working with manifestation again. In so many ways. I am my own puppet master. I have had 100% success thus far. *pats back* I plan on keeping up the good work, dont worry. I have much room to go.



My wish is that all of you could jump into my heart and my head and feel and see, taste, touch, smell, and hear everything that I am taking in, in these, the days of the beginning of the rest of my life, my choices.



And I leave this post with a sacred Upanishad Mantra, a lovely enlightening mantra which honors the personal strength involved in the journey of change...



Om Sri Rama Jaya Rama - Om and victory to the self within.



Love and light to you all.



In Joy and Gratitude,



VedaSatya. (Om Tat Sat)

I'm feeling a similar throwback to four years ago, back before I met Daren, back before I met anyone who would influence me so deeply as people that I have met in this last four years have.

Its my ability to want to change that has changed. Before, I wasnt aware that I wanted to change anything about myself. I was this blissfully unaware Libertarian, spending her days thinking about someone half a world away, writing letters and poetry, and just yakking about who we were, whilst costing ourselves an arm and a leg to do so. Wow. I was that girl, so long ago. And although that boy (man) is living halfway across the world, now married, with a baby, his spirit challenged me. And I let it come out in parts of me. I was so thankful, and still am, to have had the opportunity to know that guy at that time of my life. It was rich. I wrote a lot, drank red wine, ritualized everything I did (something that I totally adore), learned my love of home cooking, organics, subsistence, my current hippie lifestyle, I loved living in the country, I loved my Cowichan Sweater, I loved gardens, and I completely loved the little grove that my then two and a half year old daughter and I had worked into. I loved going to be early, I loved feeling family in every moment of every day.

The blip in my life was Vancouver. Although that is where a large amount of development happened, it halted something as well... the connection to the environment that I am to be bonded to for life, in raising my daughter. Please dont mistake: I loved, and still love, Vanocuver. Commercial Drive sunk its hooks into me so deep I dont ever want them out. I love that special little place in my heart that Commercial Drive resides in. The rest of Vancouver I could give or take. Commercial Drive now holds my sister and my neice, true pieces of my heart. Its hard not to cry when i think about them there. In fact, I actually can't think of Vancouver now without crying. Im crying because I miss my sister and Bailey. I just want them with me in all that I do. That time will come, I am sure. Jen and I are cut from the same mould...

Im now in an amazing little suite in my best girlfriends house. We are in Bella Vista, right below the vineyard, next to the large Davison Orchard, with a stunning 180 degree view of the valley, which stares down Okanagan Lake... a view that people in Vancouver would pay over a million for. And here, me, I get it for the bargain price of $500 a month. My daughter has a built in playmate, her best friend Jaryn. And I get to daily bear witness to the extraordinary life and love of my best friend Allison and her amazingly loving and devoted husband Steve. He really has the type of strength of character that I admire in a man. He is a fine balance, that Steve. And I love being involved with their family. They share a baby, Layla. She is truly an impeccably behaved child. I love the four of them dearly, and count myself as blessed to have the option of being here with them.

I walk down my old familiar streets, listening to my favourite music, Elliott Smith, Iron and Wine, Sean Hayes, many others, and I see so many people that I have known. Sure we have grown up...but underneath, we are still the same people in the same skin. We have families now, we have careers, we have settled. Well, most have settled.

I ran into someone today that unexpectedly engaged me in conversation, substantially older than I, and still wise beyond his years. He reminded me that every choice I make at every point in time is okay, and that we are all just a product of consequence based on choice. He didnt say those words, he didnt need to. I took from him what I wanted to see, what I wanted to hear. Everytime I engage with him, I am always reminded more and more of who I am and what I want. I am reminded that there are people out there who are ridiculously like myself, and are at various stages of their lives. I love that about conversing with him. Phil. He lights a fire in me that few have successfully lit, or maintained. Thanks for being one of me.

I think a lot about great huge thoughts, I am going constantly in my mind, and then there are times that the superficial things cross my mind. In Vancouver, people are a dime a dozen. I have honestly never had a problem meeting someone that I want to know, or have a relationship with. It just seemed kismet. And I cant shake that feeling. Even here, where I am a small population of my ilk. Actually, the reality is that I am NOT indeed a small population of my ilk, rather that I am the upper age of that particular ilk. I am right on the cusp, right now. And I plan to use that to my advantage. Im going to branch out and network, grow my heart so big with people that it swells and swoons daily, and out of that, my path will unfold. It will unfold because I will see one foot heading in front of the other, and know it is right for me.

I am working with manifestation again. In so many ways. I am my own puppet master. I have had 100% success thus far. *pats back* I plan on keeping up the good work, dont worry. I have much room to go.

My wish is that all of you could jump into my heart and my head and feel and see, taste, touch, smell, and hear everything that I am taking in, in these, the days of the beginning of the rest of my life, my choices.

And I leave this post with a sacred Upanishad Mantra, a lovely enlightening mantra which honors the personal strength involved in the journey of change...

Om Sri Rama Jaya Rama - Om and victory to the self within.

Love and light to you all.

In Joy and Gratitude,

VedaSatya

I just have to get this out. Im definitely the fattest I have ever been. Im not fat: Im the fattest I have been, ever. WEll, minus pregnancy, but I am 20 lbs shy of my full pre-pregnancy weight.

Now that its all out in the open... moving on.

The tra-la-la's of shopping mall speakers are blaring their consumerism once again. Buy buy BUY!! I politely plug my ears and carry on with my very pointed shopping trip. Im efficient when I shop. Since I have had a child, I no longer wish to take long shopping trips in someone's company... its usually the company of my child, and I am either being begged for something, or thwarted by bathroom trips and cuts and scrapes by the time I run into anything I like.

This brings me to style. My style. I seem to have lost the concept of style for myself. I mean, I love a particular style when I see it, and thusforth I am just as susceptible as every other drone like myself out there. But really, I like tight fitting, interesting, unique, drape-y hippie clothing, that is sexy...showing my figure. I have never been afraid to do that in a tasteful way. but there is no way that i would be caught dead looking trashy. that is just my own personal preference. I like being clothed, thank you very much. Sexy for me does not even sit near the realm of trashy. Sure, I love a good sexy ripped shirt. I have the messy hair to pull it off. But there are a lot of ideas that i have in my mind about what I want to wear.

I am in no way a designer. I lack the common sense organization that a designer needs. I have zero long term vision. Really, its just about outfitting myself in some unique things, but I know that there are others out there who want the same types of clothes too. I party with about 3000 of them at Komasket every year... so, I am thinking I may just have to kick it into high gear, here ,and create myself a small line for a Komasket booth. my items will be fair priced, because I really despise elitist pricing when it comes to local handmade goods... sure, you have to cover overhead costs, and labour etc. But $70 for a fucking t-shirt? You have got to be kidding me... thats not my style. So dont expect that from me.

I used to feel this pressure to have a REAL job, a career, profession, what have you... so I did that. For the majority of my adult life. And now Im kicking my own arse for doing so. To hell with careers and professions. Now im 32, with the desire of a 20 year old, but I have the obligations of a 40 year old. And now I must make room for it in my already busy single mother schedule... Goes to show that passions creep up on you, and you MUST follow them so that you dont do drastic things like I do, such as throw away perfectly great (well, great to SOME people) office jobs and medical jobs to go and wet-felt, sew, and make dreadlocks for people. The best part of this whole thing is, the world is my oyster. and I feel like a kid again. A happy, curious, excited kid. A lot of people shoot weird looks my way when i talk about my current life, state, and desires, and when they get a glimpse of the life that i have with my daughter. A lot of it is judgment. Negative judgment. I have moved past my ability to care about it, which is great. My happiness level soars, and runs at a consistent rating of 90% or higher on a daily basis, with some minor exceptions due to stress.

~.~.~.~.~.|.~.~.~.~


i wish I could say that I was sick of falling in love with the same old dude (the metaphorical artist/writer/musician...THAT guy...). But the truth is, I am NOT. I LOVE that guy. I love the passion behind him, whoever he happens to be. i love his truths, what he stands for, and his potential as a person of great depth and meaning in my life. I love his potential connection with my daughter... I feel, everytime, that I am getting closer and closer to what i know is out there... and I let myself feel the sadness associated with losing someone who nearly fit the bill.

I hold on to people. there is not one person that I have been involved with who I do not have a relationship with, to this day, save for one. And he is super recent, likely still healing. but perhaps its a personality thing on his part. Im not sure. Regardless, I have contact with every one of the people that has helped me in building this idea of "mate" and "partner", and I try to see them as often as possible. Some have had more impact, some have had less, but it does not decrease their value in my eyes. That they are willing to put aside any romantic blunders and still know me, as I want to know them, is something truly amazing. Any partner in my future will know these men well. I love them all. I have loved them all. Very deeply, some deeply still... And I do not believe in letting go of the pieces that have shaped me so. I believe in integration of the old with the new, as a model of integrity for myself. It works for me, builds my empathy for people, strengthens their purpose in my life, and allows for openness of mind, body and intention.

In that way, I am for everyone. i do not believe that there is anyone that truly hates me...and i dont truly hate anyone either. in fact, i cant say i hate anyone. i love something about just about everyone.

anyways, as my time here in vancouver closes, i want to shout out the over-pouring love to the strong men who have impacted me in the past three years (not necessarily all from romantic connection), and who currently impact me still:

travis burtenshaw
matthew reale
daren sasges
derek furesz
david vlasak
eric draht
david moss
david ingram
luke jukes
dano mackay
nara straw
alain du cap


I love you all, still. <3

I get really stifled when I am trying to post something that means something to me...its like it gets all pent up and my brain just stops... I reread a few of my realllllllly old postings, and I remember feeling this frustration nearly every time I posted, but somehow it turned out okay... ALMOST intelligent sounding.

I am sure that everyone has heard by now, but I am departing this great place soon... It is a bigger change for me than I thought it was going to be, but I am most definitely one of the people that thrives on change. I love excitement, intrigue...a good mystery keeps me going indefinitely! And I know its just Vernon that I am moving back to, but it means a whole hell of a lot to me, when you think about who I am, what I love to do, the fact that I am a raging pixie hippie with a serious love for people that feel like "home", and living in the outdoors where it is safe and I can make my own things, and be a part of nature.

What the hell have I been doing in a city this whole time? I mean, I have very little in common with cities. The truth was, it is a matter of me chasing down happiness. See, I was with someone who I was in love with. And we split, then got back together. But I had never ever been in love like THAT before. It was that type of crazy love that when you breathe in, your lungs hurt and your exhale carries a faint echo of the last bliss you shared with this person. You love them so deeply you can feel a part of them has sunk so deep in you that you feel them to the core of your bones. That is how I loved him. And it was worth leaving Vernon over. I can "do" anywhere. And I had done Vancouver seven years prior to that. So it was no biggie. So Sophia, Daren, and I came here in 2007.


I remember, right before I left, I ran into this dude I had an obsession with for like 6 years. I was in Bean Scene, and he was all like "...you smell like Patch...mmm..." and I was all melty and ridiculously inarticulate, and we were talking about our plans. He was moving to Vancouver at around the same time as we were. He asked me what I was going to do there (because previously I worked taking care of someone in their house), and I said "Well, I got hired at this law firm in Vancouver" (because I had recently done training in law). And he's like "wow...that is totally NOT you, Lindsay. Why are you doing that?". and he was being honest. I never ever take offense to something like that, especially when the person saying it has actual insight into who I am. And that particular conversation with him has stuck in my mind for like 4 years now, and it has become the echo in the corner of my mind that I had filed away as "unnecessary to rehash". But the truth is, I rehashed that conversation every. single. day. while I was here. Every moment of unhappiness, I returned to the desk in the office of my unconscious mind, and took out the Book of Truths. And only now am I able to be brave enough to read the damn thing to the end.

Here is what I want, in no particular order. These are the constant desires of mine, not that I necessarily will attain every goal, but I definitely gear my life to attain them:

1. Have all of my favourite and most meaningful, deep people in one vicinity. Then we can build our community of minds. We can talk and share daily. It is with this foundation in mind, that I want to be in Vernon, and live the rest of my days surrounded by the greatest feeling on earth: home.

2. Provide a very conducive environment for my daughter to fully explore who she is, what she loves, what her passions are...I want to always show her that I fully support her decisions, and that I practice what I preach, so that she can at least see 100% consistency from the one person that means the world to her. I want to help guide her and shape the idea of safety in reality. And I can't do that in a city. I dont believe it myself. How the hell can I teach that to HER if I dont believe it myself?

3. I want to be crafty. I am super thankful to Erin Smith for teaching me needle felting. It is a serious love of mine, that which I intend to do more of after having given myself the space to do so. I want to sew, do pottery, knit, understand creative machines, I want to build things to make my homespace more user friendly for Sophia and I. I want to be involved in helping other people do their little creative endeavours too.

4. I want to work side by side with a Naturopathic Doctor (ideally in Vernon) and be their on-site Registered Holistic Nutritionist. I want to be one on one with their clientele, and together with the Vega Tester (lab tech) and the ND, we would be the best alternative healthcare practitioning team for the client.

5. I want to meet and fall in love with a beautiful man who carries the same ideas about life being easy, carefree, and happiness-oriented as I. Ideally this man would be my age, maybe a couple years younger, but not more than 4 years younger. He would have great self esteem, he would have interesting creative ideas every day, he would be normal and boring at times, he would be the perfect mix of my greatest idea of physical beauty and depth of imagination. He doesn't necessarily have to have dreadlocked hair, but it sure helps with the sexy factor... Im salivating, just thinking about him too. And he may have a child, (as I do not wish for more children, but would love for Sophia to have the opportunity to have siblings). Or he would not be against adoption. And he would wrap us both (Sophia and I) in the warmth of his elven being.

6. I want to be able to home school Sophia and be able to show her a bit of the world to teach her about how other cultures live. What they value, what is important, and what we are so blessed to be a part of. I want to show her a larger scale that is possible when it comes to empathy, love, happiness, and assistance. I want to show her that I gave her two hands so that she could use them, to better both herself, and to help other people better themselves too. I want to do a building project overseas where she can be just as involved as me. And I want to bring music to underdeveloped countries. I want Sophia to be a part of that too, as she loves music already, and is naturally gifted accordingly.


7. I want to love food diversely. I want to continue to be open to all food. I want to really make cooking, eating, and sharing food, the foundation of my cultural relationships with all people. I want to know foodies, I want to learn from my friends, I want to talk about wines, and I want to brew my own Kombucha. This one, I want very badly. I will be the crazy Kombucha hippie in the small town, peddling my amazing creations to anyone and everyone who wants to try it! mmmm...

8. I want to know that my dad, mom, and sister are happy, doing what they truly love to do, or at least in a position to spearhead what they want to do in the near future.

9. I want to take a summer and just tour festivals. I want to live out of a van, and meet random strangers, and make my summer a feast for the senses. Sophia can bring one friend with her for the summer, and explore the world with him/her. And I will bring one person too, so that me and MY friend can explore the world together too.

10. I want to know Cherryville. I mean, KNOW it. The people, the area, the life... I won't live there, no. But I want to become a part of that community. The aspect of their community that I want to know is the honest to goodness wholesomeness of it all. People who just want to connect with each other. I want to play music with them all.

So, in no particular order, those are the things that I want for my life (at this point). I fully accept that my desires MAY change. But those are pretty basic standards. That is what i value, and to be honest, I cant really see that changing much. I have wanted those things for my entire life. Even before I had a child, I knew I wanted those things. To me, that is prime living. And, as you can see, they cannot be accomplished in a city.

I dont hate cities. They serve their purpose. But not mine.

I love small towns. I love people. Its intimate. And anyone who knows me to a tiny degree knows that I break things down to intimate connections. Im not talking purely romance. But everything I want, everything I am, is romanced. Romanced by ideas, romanced by actions, romanced by people, romanced by dreams, romanced by amenities... and that all starts with the feeling that I CAN have those things, that they are close to me, within reach, that they are possible because they are the physical representation of my innermost desires. and what could be more intimate than that? nothing, I say. nothing could be more intimate than what I have the natural propensity to desire.

So I will be arranging a party for all of the amazing people that I have met here in Vancouver, so that we can continue to build from this, even by distance. I have loved them all. I fall in love with them every time we spend time together, and I want them all to know how much I value my ability to know them in this stage of my life.

I will announce the place and time via Facebook.


Love and light, bless


Veda Satya <3

VEDA - The self-realisation by which one understands the ultimate nature of reality (Brahman)
SATYA - The benevolent use of words, and the mind for the welfare of others. The Truth which equals love

Here's the dish.

New Things:

Dread Business. My passion I decided to turn into hobby.

Single. Yep. I love being single. Im truly and honestly free to be just me. Its so underrated.

Moved. Living with my sister. Four females in a one bedroom house. Yikes...

Being more social. I have made a friend who I go out to more live shows with. Its kinda nice.

Not singing so much right now. Studying hard. Its good for me.

Love buttons. Have many ideas of what I am going to do with them. Jen and I had the most uber creative day with our button extravaganza. Expect them to pop up on items I wear and use, pretty much from here on in. That, and recycling leather. I have many things to do with leather. Yeah, fun!


I had a relatively close family member die three days ago, and it forced me to think about my life, my direction, and the important things. Family is the most important. Friends (true friends) are the most important. Style of life matters the most out of everything. Style of life includes friends and family. This is something that has been weighing on me intensely for about 6 months now. There is something that feels resolved in me, in this last three days. Im going to do something drastic. Something permanent. Something right.

Wait for it.

I had a most interesting conversation this evening with Dianne, who is amongst my most treasured friends. I tend to forget what true inspiration feels like until it slaps me in the face, and then I am overwrought to the point of being able to create things, let them pour out...they may be small to others, but to me they signify that I am on the right path with my thoughts. My mind is voracious for more outlets this evening, and I cant tear myself away from wishing I had a person to burst my mind to right now. Im speaking now to everyone that has ever mattered to me. I have known you 15 years and 15 minutes, and you are an ear worth chatting at.

It boils down to timing... The fact that we may want many things for ourselves, and think that we have to run out and get them right now..its the McDonaldsize the world syndrome, and it has fully infected our society. Somehow we are impatient, demanding that we get what we want, when we want it, and blame the provider if it is not to our exact standards. Its total bullshit. I have even seen it in myself, and I like to think that I carry the grace of the ages. If I see it, I call myself out, bravely. Its like catching yourself yelling at your child when you outright know you are the one to blame...

What would you do without petrol, oil? Think about it. What valuable skills do you have to add to the project at the end of the oil so that we can continue living, subsisting, and even thriving, to rebuild who we are as a people? Somewhere along the way, we got off-track. We decided we didnt need our skills of survival anymore. And by survival, i mean basic making clothes, feeding ourselves, rebuilding buildings (including plumbing and wiring from very basic materials), getting and remaking electricity, and providing a supportive atmosphere for people who work hard to provide for us, as part of a pooled team effort. As young'uns, we are not teaching our children the skills that our parents (perhaps) and our grandparents (absolutely) had... I, like Dianne, am totally floored that we have let this happen to ourselves. The information is OUT there, active, alive, albeit its delivery is thwarted by mass media, and overzealous political platforms...

Dianne said it best: we need to milk our elders. These people, active, alive, are people that possess all the knowledge that we would need to know to survive without oil. They DID it themselves, not all that long ago. We are busy shipping them off to retirement homes and cursing at them for their bad driving, when we could all use a little dose of "the good ol' days". I wish I was kidding. Im not. Think of how much information is locked up in there. I dont know about you, but I cant and wont sit around and babysit anyone who doesnt have the desire to learn. I want to know and be around people who DO want to learn. I work on the barter system: lets trade our knowledge and help keep each other alive, happy, thriving, and engaged.

If you think about it, it has realistically been less than 60 years since we have forgotten how to farm. Farming nowadays is not even how farming happens. machines have taken over. It is true there are some old school farmers still left there in the world... but we heckle them for not joining the conglomerate multi-national homogenize the world agri-corporate body that IS the world of food. It is really sad.

We need to remember that we are only as valuable as what we can offer to further society. And the root of that is TRADE. Bartering. The day will absolutely come when we find out what we are truly made of...what we have learned. I dont want to be a part of the crowd that is dependent on others to provide for the survival of both myself and my child. I want to offer my skills, and earn what I get, and live a full and useful life.

i have skills, strengths. And those of you who know me, know I like the odd things life has to offer. I love randomly talking to people and finding out something interesting about them, even if I will only know them for five minutes. Why do I do this? Why not? Its social interaction. I have THAT on my side. I am a leader. And I strongly believe in my ability to employ my leadership, especially related to women. I felt, I can sew, and I have a really basic understanding about vegetable gardens. I have fairly extensive nutritional understanding, enough to assist any single human in their quest for quality nutrition. I can play music and provide musical happiness to anyone. I firmly believe that we all need to invest in simple joys.

It all takes desire. Fuck the person who is going to judge you for wanting to know how to take care of yourself. Its this whole technological revolution that has messed things up. Before technology, before massive corporate based industry, we knew how to logically keep ourselves alive by living off of the land. Now, we have willingly created this reality where we are interdependent. pardon me if I am less than enthused to be a part of that. I want my community and my kumbayah, thank you very much.

So what about you? What can you offer? You know you will be around for the day the oil runs out. So what are you waiting for?


I cant get Vernon out of my head. I love it there. Its like, well, just the right size. Its got everything a person would need in order to survive, and I really miss the quality community interaction. I am at the stage now with my child that she is really pulling from her environment and testing things out, seeing how they work for her. I question the city environment. I cant say I will be here forever... I love the rural feeling. And at the end of the day, it is ALL about the feeling I get from a place. Im not here for a job. Im not here for some guy. Im not here for the rent price. Im here for the feeling of loving my life. Right now. But its slipping away, and I am feeling the lure of the country again.

When the shit hits the fan, I know where I will be. And where I will be is my home. Wherever that may be. And I know that the people who I gather along the way are of the same mind as me: they value progress, and not just this technological and industrial progress. Its a conscious progress of the mind, and we are shifting into a time of real intelligence, I feel. Its a time where we need to up the anty in our life game, play with larger amounts of information, the information that for two generations now has become a thing of the past, and is seen as unnecessary. How the hell can basic survival be unnecessary?! I think it is more necessary than the iPhone 4. I think it is more necessary that this god damned computer.

First things first. I got a basket. I got eggs. They merge. Then they find other baskets. Other baskets that are full. And they stick together. Maybe not in physical proximity, but they always know each other are full, and ready when need be.

Village Vancouver. Its worth a Google.

It has been a while since my last blog post. Although I would LIKE to devote more time to my blog, the reality of the situation is that I am choosing other things with my time, and I know I will eventually get back to blogging daily...

There is this internal shift that I feel is happening in the world, a weird ebb and flow, and I am most certainly in an ebbing stage, the stage in tide when water returns to the sea to regain its identity with its mother: the Ocean Body.

So often I have mistaken the "correct" way an ocean should be. I somehow got it in my mind that the ocean is supposed to be on shore when in its normal state. Ha! Normal... Im trying to compartmentalize the Ocean. Right. Good luck with that, me. Regardless, the Ocean is as vast and unforgiving as our consciousness, but it is in the Ocean Body that the water mixes up with the Whole again, and becomes renewed, rejuvenated, and ready to start its ascent to shoreline. But it still feels weird to look out at low tide and feel that it is how the Ocean should look. It just looks...empty, like it is missing something...full of gaping tidal pools, lots of sand, holes with little creatures living in it. But I know its just a matter of time before the Ocean Body is ready to spit out the next sloshing of sea water to challenge the shores again...

Its an amazing idea, and standing barefoot amongst the baby crabs at low tide, after my housekeeping shift in West Point Grey the other day, it hit me: there is NO collective standard way to think about tides... and "tide" represents the idea of the natural ebb and flow of my life. Here...let me make this easier so you can just get inside my head about what I was thinking and how it related to me...

When I was young, I really honestly believed that everyone got married and turned serious. Its just what they did. Kids played, and parents were married and serious. That's about it. The rest was free play. And to be honest, not much changed in that department until I was about 21. I know, right? But I am being honest about myself here.

I think that I am different than most, but definitely akin to some people that I have known in my life. The people that I love and respect the most are the people that I see bits of me reflected in, and who I know can see bits of them reflected in myself. That is a no brainer. Lately, in recent years, I have gotten picky. I really feel like my time is valuable, and I dont want to waste it if I dont feel like it. Standing in a bank line feels like an exorbitantly large waste of time, but yet spending 3 hours wandering the aisles of Whole Foods by myself seems perfectly justifiable.

And it is this thought that brings me to people, and my connections with them. In high school, it is really easy to make concessions when it comes to the people that you spend your time with. Anyone goes, in general. I mean, you have the things that you like to do, so naturally you hang out with people like that, similar interests and such, but really, the time is just there for free play (like what I have always believed, as a child and young adult). I was really a kid until I HAD a kid. No lie. Its okay, too. There is just a perspective you cannot have about what you see in life, without having a child. And you see it from the position of having a child. Its not a personal slight to those who dont have kids...not in any way. They just cant see the world the same way as a person who does have kids, whereas we parents have had the luxury of experiencing both viewpoints. Its a constant topic between other parents and I, about how we remember life before kids, but really see the depth of humanity since having kids, because it relates to how we interact with each other and still have to be completely accountable and responsible in everything we do, everyday of our lives, because another life depends on it. I digress...

I viewed marriage as this weird little state of success. A mark of attainment. The pot of gold. Love incarnate. Those who know me, know that I have had many successes and many failures in love. And you know, I actually used to think of them as successes and failures. There I sat on my perch, judging the crap out of myself, yet still feeling like I can offer help and advice to those I love the most. That just stopped making sense to me since when I left an ex of mine back in March 2009. I saw something in the grief that I experienced that just seemed ... pointless. Actually, it drained all of the life right out of me. I literally felt myself giving away the one thing I had, which was my esteem. The MOST important thing I could ever have. And I was giving it away. For what? To grieve? I can grieve without giving it away god damnit! It was like a switch changed. I learned how to ride that bike, drive that car, and I will never ever ever forget that I know that now.

It shifted how I approach relationships with every single human being I know. Reciprocation took on a whole new meaning to me. Values became paramount. And life got a whole lot easier for me. Wake up. Be thankful for each day. Smile at everyone I meet, to some extent. Engage when I feel like it. Honor each person in my life, and show them the respect of being 100% me to the core, bad shit and all, and respect the same about them. Always remember that knowing someone is a choice made by both myself and them, and can cease at any time. Eat. Breathe. Smile. Love.

Love. That was the most important shift. Love is love. It grows and diminishes, but it is still love. Love is an action, not a word. Words are empty without action. This much our parents taught us. I need to tell you that upon re-friending someone from a loooooong time ago, I have learned something super valuable, that I really identify with, and he is bang on in saying this: "I dont have many friends. I know a lot of people, though. Some of my greatest and strongest friends are people I have known for 3 days, and some of the loosest acquaintances I have known my whole life." I chose to take it further for my own purpose, and say that not only do I feel the same, but that I PREFER to have this opinion of friendship. And love. Lust is easy to mistake as love. i have often done it. But the thing is, love was underneath. Lust is my body's way of saying to your body that there is a chemistry that just works between us. Lust is a bad term for that. I am not bisexual at all, but I still feel pulled and drawn to certain women, so I never ever use the word Lust. I can feel the same platonic draw to a woman as I can for a man...it is their being, pheremones, mind, vibe, potential that attracts me...it has nothing to do with sex. Sex is fleeting if you feel an attraction physically to someone. It DIES if you do not see reciprocated values bouncing back at you. It cant be regained easily either, because you have seen something that is out of line with what you believe is right for you in your life.

So how can marriage and relationships have success? Time. Thats it. That is why there is sooooo much divorce nowadays. We force ourselves into being with a person, and hope to know them better with time...lock them in so we are guaranteed that time... its harsh, but honestly true. Marriage to me is sacred. And I dont believe I will be married (if ever) until I have spent sufficient time to be able to say that I love the whole person, and not just fragments of who I think he is... which has so often been my mistake. Love is the feeling of freedom. And in freedom comes the acceptance of the ebb and flow of life...both mine and everyone else's...and it is placing limitations in saying that I want to place a time limit on our time together...or even worse, make a mutual choice that puts us in a position that we MUST get to know each other. I feel most at home when I join the Ocean Body of my mind, and can dive into my life and passions and just be me, and be around people doing the same thing for themselves. It is personal onus. Anyone wanting to come along for that sail needs to already have their own boat, charts, instruments, and destinations in mind. And if we sail together, we sail together. If we decide that different courses work better, then it needs to be okay. And we can still love when the tide is on shore, but the tide will eventually pull the water of our relationship back to the Ocean Body where it mingles and separates.

We now have choice. We always have had choice. Our choices let the outside world know what our personal truths are. I fully believe that if I choose something, I felt it was exactly right at the time. And I feel that about every single human and animal too. They felt it was the right thing to do. That is why I carry a no regrets policy too... At least, I try hard. Honestly, I try hard at all of this, because sure, these are words and are meaningless unless they are employed...employment of ideals is the hardest step, and I am certainly fallable...big time. But at least I try. Every day.

And I will never stop. Life is too lovely to drop my ideals.

It comes and goes in waves, for me, this whole business of people dealings.

It seems like the idea of connection to another human has an evanescent quality to it; when it comes, it is strong, and thick. But instantaneously it can be vaporized and drifts off as if in distant memory, with the simple power of spoken words. It its wake it leaves an unsettled feeling inside, something that had form and function in its momentary existence in life. Experiences like this make a brief cameo in my goldfish head, then, upon dispersal, leave a lingering taste of it in my mouth.

I am not saying this is a bad thing. And I am a person who can extract the goodness and positivity out of everything I experience, most times. I just have to figure out how to get over the hump of mild disappointment if things don't work out the way I had envisioned. This goes for nearly every experience I have, and not just connectedness to people. I just get disappointed sometimes when I get to something that feels like the cusp of something big, to have it disintegrate in front of me. It feels sort of self defeating...

Connecting with people renews my faith in the quest I have to positively affect every single person I meet. I honestly believe that I have the power to connect with ANYONE.

Matt and I jokingly have this project we have undertaken, called the "Asian Integration Project". I, personally, have found that there is a subcultural attitude of disconnectedness within the Asian community. I am unsure as to whether or not it is because of large family and population size, or if it is related to some unknown factor that I have yet to discover in my quest for cultural connections. But regardless, I want to connect in an honest way to the Asian culture.

It is awkward and slightly judgmental, and certainly a foreign way of doing things, but I can do it. I know I can. My target is foremostly the elderly Asian population. They are a friendly folk who are from the old school of thought that we are all connected, and in each of us is light reflected outwards, shining on each other, which keeps us connected.

I think this way too, and its sad to see that people have chosen to forget that we are connected, but it is by choice that it is maintained.

******


I got a message from a friend's mother in law, right when I was thinking about her, and immediately after writing her a long message telling her how much I missed her. Its cosmic how things work out at times. I think about her (Maria) often, too.

It is in serendipitous instances such as the aforementioned that I truly feel uplifted, and any doubts I have about the universe merge together in alignment, restoring my love for the unknown once again.

I feel, at this moment, like I am in the midst of something very meaningful, yet I am eerily calm about the whole thing... It could be from my disappointment at not being able to be close to Maria, or it could be from something else...I am not sure. The point is, I am feeling it propelling me forward, in every gesture I make, and almost in every word that I am typing. Its like there is a hand on the small of my back urging me onward. And I am not entirely sure what to do with it...where it is leading me.

Im not afraid to find out, no...I just get impatient and want to get to the end of the race... oh patience, you are my nemesis.

Anyways, off for a tea, and some quality time with my new tam on my dreads. I feel I should post a pic of the dreads.